| I figure nobody will read this anyway and i need to vent. Maybe it will even help somebody else. This is what happens when a human being sits down to write without consequences: I’m tired of trying. Maybe I’m not even really trying. On one hand I hate myself; for being a slave to addictions; for having a temper that is out of control. I don’t want to harm anyone, I swear, but I feel like I’m losing my mind, my grip, my control over my own body. I know things will work out, they always do, but I hate this process. I wish I was somebody , anybody…just not me. Right now I feel like, ‘why me?” Why did this happen right when I had my plans on the horizon. Right when I was weeks away from going back to school, working a bit less, being home a bit more. WHY NOW !!!!! I’m pissed and yet tired of being pissed. What good will it do anyway. Sour stomach, headaches, and regret is what I get. I want to change everything “bad” about me overnight. Even though I know that at one time I thought I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to stop drinking. But, somehow, by god’s grace I did. And now I feel like I can’t beat my temper, mood swings, porn,. …Feels just the same. “Please help me to stop” “I can’t do this on my own” I’ll always be this way until I drive away everything good in my life. Fuck me. I’m not perfect. I’m told I should recognize this when coming before a perfect god, or when I beat myself up because I’m tired of failing and that’s all someone can think to say. Then again, I feel (it may be my own head or really coming from somewhere else) I feel like I have to be a certain way to see god do miraculous things, to see him ‘move’, like somehow it’s my fault that my life is this way. And AGAIN in my heart I know that God has done what I consider miracles in my life over these past 5 years, and I haven’t deserved it, I haven’t been”perfect”. “He’s sovereign”. “NO, we have a choice, we decide the path we’ll go down.” “Name it and claim it.” “We HAVE to press in if we’re going to see His Glory.” “Come up here RIGHT NOW if you want a touch from the Lord.” …I’m going in-fucking-sane. I don’t have any idea what I should be doing, but I know something doesn’t feel right. All these, “you have to’s” and this feeling that if I don’t act right now I won’t see this miracle circus side show we call god’s glory. This stuff is weighing me down. Is it all about grace or do I need to do something ( I know I have to at least have faith) I’m talking about doing something in the “ jump thru hoops, pray for 60 minutes evry morning as the sun comes up, pray before every meal, believe God wants to heal me, but then when he doesn’t feel like I missed a hoop somewhere’ kind of way. God if you can hear me thru all my sins and fuck ups,, I’m confused. I need help. I can’t change anything without you doing it. I’ve looked at porn way longer than I’ve been married or even longer than I’ve known my wife. She wasn’t the first woman I’ve seen. I’ve always had a short fuse. Was it learned, or genetic? I don’t know. I don’t care. I think I’ve gotten better but I’m not perfect and that is just not good enough. What’s it like to be someone who can let mistakes and failures not affect them? At least not in the way it does me. To me it seems like someone who is lazy and doesn’t give a damn. Like that’s not someone I would trust to run a business. Does that make sense? To me if you don’t get riled up over not being perfect or over failure or over stupidity (yours or someone else’s) then you just don’t care enough. Even writing this it sounds absurd, but that’s the way I think. And this train of thought didn’t start last week. For all know it’s been that way as long as I’ve been able to do shit in a NOT PERFECT way. Bottom line: I can’t change unless You help me. I can’t love myself and believe others will too unless you change me. I can’t NOT feel like my imperfections will drive those I love out of my life, unless you change it. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. That’s praying, right? |
